This is my story.

It's a constant battle, eating disorders. Whether it is bulimia, anorexia or any of the other numerous disorders, it's still one of the hardest things one ever have to deal with. They say that you can never really rid yourself of an eating disorder, that there always will be a part of it within you. But then again, isn't that just like every other battle we go through within ourselves?

And so it began...
At the young age of nine my world went tumbling down which left me open and vulnerable. And the less friendly people around me wasted no time using that for their own gain. It began as a small comment, that I had put on some weight. From that moment and for months to come, all I heard were how fat I'd become and that I should go on a diet. And so I did. But for them it wasn't enough, they kept telling me I was fat and ugly. That's when the starving began.

Now, almost twelve years later, I can say I was a fool. Before it all began I was very thin. I've always been underweight, back then I weighed about ten kilos (22 lbs) less then I should. And thanks to those I once called my friends, I stayed that way. The closest to the weight I should have that I've ever been was still five kg (11 lbs) too little.

It wasn't that bad in the beginning. I started to skip breakfast. That left three meals per day. Then I stopped eating lunch. Then the afternoon-meal. And in the end I stopped eating all together. By that time I was thirteen.
It wasn't an easy thing to do. Not the not-eating part. But the part of hiding it. My teachers noticed it first, that I never ate in school. But they chose to talk to me first which helped a lot. It's easier to lie when your parents isn't there.
My mother was quite easy to fool. She worked a lot and had too many problems herself to notice what was going on with me. It was easy for me to lie and tell her that I had eaten at my friends place, because she never had the energy to question it.

The consequences
The years past by and I advanced. I realized my limit quite quick and I started to push it. Once I could only go three days in a row without food, by the end I could manage seven. All I needed was water, cigarettes and gum. It had it's consequences of course. Those times I went that far my energy was dangerously low. I could barely get out of bed. The nausea was horrible, the constant pains shooting up and down my stomach was blinding. The consequences was great. I still have problems with my stomach, and most doctors I've spoken to about it say it's because of those times. The stomach-acid made quite a lot of damage and it might never get completely healed again.

Somehow it didn't change much for me, to know what it did to my body. It was so obvious - the pain, the cramps - my body was screaming at me to stop. But I didn't listen. I did become a little nicer though. I began to eat again, one meal per day and I rarely went more then two days without food. It wasn't much but my body was thankful. Even though it protested at first. It was pure hell to begin to eat again. Everything I ate came back up again and it hurt a lot. It was as if my body was paying me back for all those days I didn't give it anything. And wow, did it pay me back a lot.

Waking up

That was one of my wake-up calls. That, and the man I dated at that time. He made it clear to me that it wasn't working and that I needed help. I wouldn't survive if I didn't, he said. I heard him and so I made the call.

I began talking to a therapist about it and she agreed with my boyfriend, it wasn't looking good. I was about ten kg (22 lbs) underweight at that time and I was starting to lose weight without doing anything. I still don't know what actually happened with my body at that time. I ate one meal a day as usual, I took a 30 minute walk every day as I had done for some time and my sleep was as bad as ever. By all logic my body should have stayed the way it was. Yet, it did not.

Unfortunately my time with the therapist soon came to an end. We had hardly begun the treatment but I had to move due to the break-up between me and my partner. And with that relationship my motivation died.

I moved back home to live with my family and went on with my ways. What saved me was what I was eating. Before I mostly ate light, small portions of either vegetables or vegetarian meals. But my mothers cooking was all but that. It often contained most of the things a human being should eat every day, also a lot of fat gravy and milk with 3% fat. My body hated it, especially since it had developed an intolerance for lactose and milk protein. But it gained some weight.

The road begins

I gained weight, but not enough. I couldn't bring myself to eat more and some days I kept on starving myself. I realized that I yet again needed help. After all weight was gained on my own, I still only measured 47 kg (103 lbs) when it should be 55 kg (121 lbs). With one meal, 1 hour walk and a 30 minute workout at home every day, I hardly gained weight.

And so I called a booked a meeting with a new therapist. Today, about four months later, I've gained one kilo (2 lbs).

When I met Jonna for the first time we began soon afterwards with an eating-schedule. First I filled in a paper every day for a week, writing down what time and what I ate. Most days I ate once a day, often late. After that week it got serious. I was to do this every day from now on, giving her the papers every Monday. That was the easy part. The hard part was that I was to eat three times a day, the same time each day.

The goals

There's another two months or so left until my time with Jonna will come to an end. By August the goal is for me to, on my own, eat those three meals. Breakfast between 10-11 AM (very hard indeed, since it was about 11 years since I did so the last time), then lunch at 2 PM and dinner at about 6 PM. By August that should come naturally for me.

And now I've created another "goal". I started this blog in the hopes of helping others struggling with eating disorders, as well as I started it to help myself. Each week I will post copies of my eating-schedules, so that you (and I) can see the progress. I'll make small notes telling how it's been going and I hope that in some way it will somehow inspire others fighting the same fight.

Even though we don't share the same eating-disorders (Eating disorder not otherwise specified) I think it can help in other ways. Give you an idea of how you could beat your problems, motivate you, inspire you.

If you ever feel the need

If you ever have any questions, or ever feel like you need someone to talk to - do contact me. Either here or send me an email to pyongie@gmail.com.

I've spent years suffering alone, trying to help myself by reading about my problems. I do not know everything, but at least some. I'm a good listener and I always want to help anyway I can. So don't hesitate if you ever feel the need.

And so I begin. I really do hope this will help and I wish you all the luck in the world with your own fight, whatever it might be.